By Damien Wilkens
26 December 2008 — In the first half of this piece, we touched upon some bizarre stuff, but now we're about to cross the International Date Line of Weirdness. These are games that were harvested in the weirdness capital of the world: Japan. They have never been officially released in North America, and likely never will.

You've been warned.

05. Parodius DA! (various)
As you can likely tell from the name, this game is a parody of the popular Gradius, and by that token, the only game on this list that seems to be intentionally crazy. Normally, I would exclude something like this from contention, but as it turns out, this one can out-weird some of the best of them. Not only that, but it's one of only two games on the list that actually has sequels. They made at least five of these things, from what I can tell, but DA! is probably the zaniest.

From the start, you're given a selection of four "ships" to choose from. There's the standard Viper ship, a bee, a bird and an octopus wearing a headband. I don't think I need to tell you who I chose. Since this is a frantic game, there's really no easy way to express to you every little thing going on, so what I'm going to do is play through the game and give you my raw account of each level.

Level 1: I started off in space, then suddenly I'm in a pirate setting. Other than that, pretty normal. But the level soon takes a turn when I get to the mini-boss: a giant kitty pirate ship. No, I don't mean a giant pirate ship with kittens in it, nor am I referring to a pirate ship large enough to hold a giant kitty. I mean a giant half-kitty / half-pirate ship. (I seriously never thought I'd have to type those words.) It's said that the sight of the giant kitty pirate ship is enough to drive a grown man to tears. The level boss is a parrot with a bellybutton from Hell, but he's got nothing on the giant kitty pirate ship. Nothing! Things can't possibly get any better. This game has peaked already.

Level 2: This one begins in much the same way as the first, except this time I'm fighting clowns that throw what looks like pasta at me. A swarm of bees fly into my face, and I'm then treated to the mini-boss: a giant invincible go-go dancer. Seriously, there's nothing you can do to her. She doesn't die. All you can do is fly through her enormous stomping legs and hope you don't get crushed. When she gets to one end of the screen, she does an orgasmic hip swivel, then comes back at you. And just in case Samurai Zombie Nation didn't have enough jingoism for you, the boss of this level is a giant bald eagle dressed as Uncle Sam.

Level 3: A castle filled with ice cream. Near the end, you have to shoot through a seemingly endless wall of gumdrops. The boss is a bunch of lips that shoot teeth. This is just as creepy as it sounds.

Level 4: Here we have pigs that shoot missiles out of bows, giant volcanoes that erupt eggplants and a tiny naked man that shoots a ray of energy. The boss is a sumo wrestler who attacks you with a Konami symbol. Failing that, he then lunges at you with his underwear. This underwear, I might add, is his only article of clothing.

Levels 5, 6, 8, 9 and everything beyond: Pinball machines, trains with the heads of gibbons that throw phallic statues, puffer fish, armless geishas and squids in the midst of shampooing their heads. Par for the course at this point, really.

"But wait," you're saying. "You skipped a level there." Well, my friend, Level 7 is where we finally meet a challenger to giant kitty pirate ship's throne of awesomeness. The boss of this level: a giant woman in a sheet.

Too much awesome! Can not compute!

04. Cho Aniki: Kyukyoku Muteki Ginga Saikyo Otoko (Sega Saturn)
Before we continue, there are two things you need to know about the Chou Aniki series. First, they are very popular in Japan. Second, they're gay. I don't mean that as an insult; I mean it literally. They are gay games. Very gay. We're talking Richard Simmons in pink shorts and a Wham! T-shirt while listening to "It's Raining Men" gay, and they have all the subtlety of a gun to the head. The main characters are bald men that fire white beams of energy from their heads and search for the "holy protein." You know how everything in a 3D game is made out of millions of polygons? Well, in this game, everything is made out of a penis.

I didn't think it was possible for a piece of video game software to have a sexual orientation, but I was wrong. The hardest part (stop laughing) about this submission wasn't whether or not to include Cho Aniki, but exactly which game in the series. You see, they've actually made six of these, most of them shooters. I was tempted to choose the fighting game if only because one of the characters is a naked man inside of a half moon, but I've instead opted to induct the Sega Saturn game. Why, you ask?

That's just one screen in one level. Others include buildings with manly abs plastered on them, bodybuilders that use each other as pogo sticks and an all-male cheerleading pyramid. This isn't even mentioning the fact that your ship is a man swimming in midair surrounded by two twirling beefcakes in Speedos.

I couldn't play this game for very long. Not because of the homosexual overtones, but because it's stupidly difficult. It's universally accepted as the worst game in the series, and that's saying a lot. This is also the only game in the series to use digitized character graphics. Sure, you may have a big naked rowing man in the other games, but for this one they actually had to get a naked man to row in front of a green screen. One has to wonder if perhaps they told him he was actually filming a soap commercial or something.

03. Mahjong the Lady Hunter (arcade)
Alright. How best to explain this one? You're the goddamn Batman, and you're playing mahjong with women in hopes of getting them naked.

Actually, considering everything before this, that one was pretty damn easy. Now, I think these women are criminals and Batman only intends to find stolen goods on their person, but my Japanese isn't too good. Plus, that line's never worked for me. I also don't know how he persuades these women to play him in mahjong, or why that's his chosen method of interrogation. It would be difficult to argue, however, that Batman & Robin would have been a significantly better movie if it just consisted of a strip mahjong match between Batgirl and Poison Ivy.

So you find the suspect, sit them down and you get your mahjong on. When one of the players is close to victory, they draw their weapon. Batman, of course, draws his batarang, but the ladies will unveil anything from a gun to nails of death. I'm also convinced that one of the women is actually a member of the Green Lantern Corps, as she has a laser-shooting ring. Whoever wins the match gets to use their weapon, naturally.

After getting a taste of your street justice, the screen then goes to the criminal in various states of undress, and the stolen jewelry is magically returned to you. Eventually, you'll happen upon a gang of catwomen who play mahjong like champs, and again it's up to the Dark Knight to molest them in the name of justice.

02. Miss World '96 Nude (arcade)
Calm down. I know what you're thinking. It's time for the good stuff, right?

Not exactly.

Miss World '96 Nude is the most terrifying game I've ever played in my entire life. It is the stuff nightmares are made of. Survival horror be damned. I would rather play Fatal Frame II with an actual ghost than have to go through this again. Any normal person that attempts to play this game for just a few minutes will be traumatized for life

Don't get me wrong, there are nude women here, but they are not worth it. I don't mean that because most of them look like rejects from a Winger video, either. This game could be called Hot British Celebrities Make Sweet, Sweet Love to DW and I still wouldn't play it again. Nothing is worth this.

Chances are Miss World '96 Nude was designed by sadists. They were also most likely advocates of abstinence, because they clearly wanted to make sure gamers never got another erection. You begin by choosing a continent where you "will meet hot beautiful girl," then you pick a lady from that region. Words cannot express just how little this choice matters in the grand scheme of things. The game is a variation on the classic Qix, in which you form lines to uncover parts of the background — in this case, a naked chick. Blocking your way is a giant spider and its offspring, which you have to avoid at risk of losing a life. Not so bad, right? You would be correct. If that's all this game was, I'd be more than content with it, as I'm a freaking master of Qix. The problem is one word: TURNING!

At completely random points in the game, a little girl's head will appear on the screen, say that word in the creepiest voice imaginable, then she turns into Dracula. This is the game's way of telling you to walk away.

When this happens, that previous picture turns into a scene of unyielding terror. We're talking screaming flesh-deprived heads that grow smaller needle-ridden corpses from their faces, and Freddy Krueger morphing into Pinhead morphing into Satan while you hear the screams of a dying kitten in the background. This overload of demonic horror is so distracting that you'll instantly forget about the naked women you were trying to expose. You can try to uncover more of the picture and bring your lady friend back, but you've already become scarred for life. It doesn't matter if that woman is the hottest little number you've ever laid eyes on, there's no recovering from that.

I can't even show a screenshot of this. Not because of the nudity, but due to the fact that I would have to expose you all to the unyielding pain of this game. If the designers ever got married, I sincerely hope their wives transformed into pus-covered demons on their honeymoons. It's what they deserve, really.

01. Boong-Ga Boong-Ga (arcade)
Dear reader, we've been through a lot together: incest, diabetes, glowing crotches, dead spiders, Sean Connery, and mental scarring. But I'm giving you a chance to stop reading and walk away. I'm serious. You don't need to see this. I didn't want to include this game, but for the purpose of this list, I didn't have a choice. This is a game so messed up that the Japanese needed Koreans to develop it because they weren't perverted enough.

Before we continue, I need to make it clear that I have never, could never and will never play this game. It's uncomfortable enough watching other people play it. You may think I'm exaggerating. I am not. I'm really not.

I warned you.

Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is an anal intrusion simulator.

You stick a giant plastic finger into a plastic ass sticking out from the arcade unit. Why would someone play this? You see, it's a revenge game. You choose someone that deserves to be beaten, like say, a child molester or con artist, and you see their face appear on the screen in front of you. From there you can spank the plastic ass with all of your might, or shove the giant finger into their rectum as the gruesome pain shows in their face. Afterward, the game rates your "sexual behavior." If you get a "high score," the game dispenses a small trophy in the shape of a turd.

I assure you that there are no winners in this game. Everyone's a loser, from the person playing it, to the people that created it, to the arcade owners that dare put such a machine in their establishment. I can't believe I actually have to say this, I thought it would be pretty clear, but if I were to ever meet a child molester, my first instinct would be to beat him about the head and neck with a blunt object — not check his prostate. Is this how they fight crime in Japan? They shove a giant plastic finger up your ass? If that's the case, no wonder violent crime is so low.

Why would someone make this? Think about this: someone in a suit actually sat down and said to someone else in a suit, "You know what's missing from video games? Interactive sodomy!" Apparently there weren't enough hentai games with simulated and / or implied sodomy. No. Someone needed to appeal to the "let me stick a finger up my mother in-law's ass" demographic.

There are no words. Let's just leave this place and pretend none of this ever happened.