Street Fighter

By James D. Deaux IV
03 May 2007 — Nearly every flaw you can point out in Street Fighter the movie stems from one small, seemingly minute detail — its title. If you took the plot of Street Fighter and renamed the film The Mad Dictator's Fury (or something equally banal), it wouldn't be a terrible movie. It would still be bad, but at the very least it could be looked at as a campy, mindless action flick that's riddled with overtly goofy moments. Billed as such, this movie could have been a cult classic. But that's not the case; because this was supposed to be an adaptation of the Street Fighter video game franchise, it can be described as nothing less than a total disgrace.

Street Fighter the movie has absolutely nothing to do with its video game predecessor — other than speciously sharing its title and the names of characters and places. But therein lies the overwhelming problem; few, if any, of the characters are even remotely accurate to their video game counterparts. Raul Julia's depiction of M. Bison was semi-accurate, but even that's grasping at straws. (On a serious side note, it saddens me to this day that this was Raul Julia's last big screen venture. He was a fantastic actor, and for this to have been his final film is just wrong on so many levels.) Everyone, and I do mean everyone else, was butchered beyond all reason. Almost every Street Fighter II Turbo: The New Challengers character made an appearance. (Uh, oh. Too many characters in a video game adaptation. Where have I seen this before, I wonder?) Amazingly enough, most of them had adequate screen time and character development (relatively speaking). Don't misunderstand me; a great many of them, such as Dee Jay and T. Hawk, shouldn't have been there at all, because they were still wastes of what limited screen time they had. Many of the actors looked as they should, but, regrettably, this is the last positive remark I can make about the characters. That said, let's start from the beginning.

It opens with a news report of massive war and destruction in Southeast Asia, all caused by M. Bison — warlord, arms proliferator and overall pain in the ass. Immediately, when I watch this, I wonder why the characters in the movie refer to him as such. Does that "M" not stand for anything? And what if all reporters referred to world leaders in such a manner? "The world was stunned today when it was learned that T. Blair and J. Chirac started an underground cock fighting ring in Brighton. More on this, and exclusive footage of S. Hussein's hanging after a word from our sponsors at T. Rowe Price.

Anyway, Bison has taken dozens of people hostage in his Shadaloo (the fictional country in which this entire farce of a movie takes place) fortress including Allied Nations peacekeepers and troops. There they are trapped inside giant metal containers which resemble the Riddler's blender things from Batman Forever. Bison demands that the Allied Nations pay him $20 billion, or else he will execute the prisoners in a particularly gruesome manner. Among these prisoners happens to be the best friend of Colonel William Guile, who is played by Jean-Claude Van Damme. (Nothing like the all-American soldier having a muffled Belgian accent, eh?) Guile snatches the microphone from the reporter (whom I will get to in a second), yells at Bison through the feed and gives him the "up yours" arm thrust. Bison cuts through the feed and tells Guile that the A.N. has 72 hours to deliver his $20 billion. Hurt feelings, much? Guile then promises his aforementioned friend, Charlie, that he's coming for him. The feed is disconnected, and Bison grabs Charlie's dog tag to see that his name is Carlos Blanka. Bison then orders him to be taken to his laboratory.

Let's get one thing perfectly clear: despite what this movie's laughable script says, Charlie and Blanka are not the same guy. They're not even remotely connected. Unfortunately, the writers felt they needed to amalgamate the two characters in order for both to make appearances. What's truly hysterical (and utterly, utterly sad at the same time) is how they pulled this nonsense off. Alas, this is only the beginning of Character Butchering 101, also known as Street Fightering.

You'll probably remember that news reporter I spoke of a moment ago. She happens to be Chun-Li, the busty Chinese martial artist. No longer is she an INTERPOL agent; now she's a journalist! And her Super Happy Funtime News (okay, GNT News) Crew happens to be Balrog (a very large American boxer) and Edmond Honda (former sumo champion). Except in this movie Honda is Hawaiian, not Japanese. What does this little entourage amount to? Not a whole lot, really. Honda used to be able to smack you around by waving his beefy arms up and down at about 500 miles an hour. Now, he operates news van equipment. Great career move, Magilla. Balrog on the other hand is the right-hand man of Bison in every version of Street Fighter— you know, a bad guy. Now, he's just the goofy cameraman lackey to Chun-Li, who is the only person in this little cadre that appears to have a justifiable purpose in this movie. We'll rejoin that sad little group in just a minute.

Back to Jean-Claude Van Guile and his trusty assembly of uptight military types. Guile's two most trusted underlings are Cammy White and T. Hawk (there we go again with that first initial / last name inanity), who were both introduced in SSF2T: TNC. In the games, Cammy has tons of camouflage paint all over her body at all times. Why? Beats me. Maybe she's trying to hide from the wrath of my logic shotgun, which is currently wondering why T. Hawk is scrawnier than I am. T. Hawk is usually one of the biggest, most muscle-bound characters in all of Street Fighter-land. You wouldn't know it from watching this movie, though.

At this point, the character obliteration really hits it into high gear. The scene shifts to an underground fighting arena. Here, we are introduced to Ken Masters and Ryu Hoshi, two of the main protagonists from all things Street Fighter. They are no longer to be taken seriously ever again. Instead of fighting the good fight for the sake of justice, they now dedicate their time to ripping off arms smugglers by selling them... wait for it... wait... her it comes... Nerf toys. (No, I'm not even remotely joking.) But it gets worse. The guy they attempt to rip off happens to be Sagat, the giant Thai kickboxer (and yet another Bison crony from the games). Except here he's an inch smaller than Ken. Double you tee eff? (Wes Studi may be a great actor, but he is not Sagat) Because Sagat has an I.Q. that's at least in the double digits, the inane plan backfires and the two are captured. You see, he uses guns that shoot actual bullets and not compressed sponge balls. What a concept! Sagat's plan is to force the buddy comedy duo to fight in a barbed wire cage against Vega, the Spanish pretty boy with the wannabe Wolverine claws.

Next, we are given a transient tour of the Bison laboratory, where Dr. Dhalsim — yes, that's right, the Dhalsim from the games is now a slightly British scientist instead of a proud, fire-spitting, Yoga-practicing Indian warrior — is busy creating Blanka from Charlie in a giant piece of plastic machinery. I really wish I could say I was making this crap up, but alas, I cannot. The doctor shows Bison the footage that he is using to warp Blanka's mind (stuff like Nazi propaganda and snuff films played on loop) and Bison asks, quite straightforwardly, why Blanka finds it disturbing. Dhalsim, being the smart-ass that we've always known he was (uh... yeah...) replies that unlike Bison, Blanka isn't psychotic. Bison strangles Dhalsim and tells him that his "loyal scientists" will begin working on the body after Dhalsim is done with his brain. And how will they turn Charlie into that big green gorilla-man, you ask? With four bags of mutagens that more closely resemble liquefied Jell-O than biohazardous materials.

Meanwhile, back in the underground cage fight bonanza, Ryu is forced to fight Vega. Vega only takes his mask off to reveal his face on sporadic occasions just to hear the women in the crowd scream his name. But when a cage girl forcefully rips off Ryu's shirt, the crowd ostensibly abandons Vega and cheers for Ryu's oh-so-sexy Japanese abs. Vega, obviously, doesn't take kindly to this turn of events. Despite all of the pandering, the two never get to fight because Guile bursts through a wall in a giant armored tank, equipped with two absurdly large missiles.

My question is, why exactly are all those people afraid of? What's Guile going to do: fire the missiles? That would be incredibly smart — Guile vaporizing himself to kill a bunch of petty arms dealers and an audience full of drunken gamblers. Bison wasn't really all that important anyway, right? In spite of my intrepid logic, everyone in the building is arrested and taken to the A.N.'s prison camp. In the camp, Sagat sends virtually every one of his goons after Ken and Ryu, starting a huge riot. The thing that strikes me the oddest about this is that somehow Vega has another claw, this one apparently made of bamboo and (I guess) bird claws. How in the name of all that is sane did he come across the materials to make that thing when all of the prisoners are under 24-hour military surveillance? While this is happening, Guile decides that the best way to get to Bison is to infiltrate someone into Sagat's gang, since he knows where the dictator is hiding. Cammy then says something that really baffles me, "Excuse me, sir. Victor Sagat didn't get to the top of the Asian underworld by taking risks."

Uh... how exactly did he do it, then? Becoming an underworld kingpin sort of goes hand in hand with taking risks, doesn't it? When the dust in the camp settles, Ken and Ryu are brought before Guile to discuss their con games and Bison's tyranny. Shortly after this, the two con artists (oh, how I loath saying that about these two) are led to a truck to be taken to a prison brig back to the United States. However, Ryu gets pissy and starts a fight with Ken outside the truck. When they are separated and loaded onto the truck, Ryu shows Ken the keys to the handcuffs and chains in his palm. Sagat and Vega demand the keys but Ken refuses. So, Sagat makes a deal with them and they all make a break for the exit inside the truck. Guile runs out to try and stop them but is shot twice in the stomach by Ken, much to the delight of Sagat. They drive off and escape the internment camp, but not before Chun-Li throws a homing device on the truck while pulling off a very random and unnecessary somersault afterwards. Guile is taken to the infirmary, but he's dead already. (Not!)

Meanwhile, back in Bison's temple fortress, Bison is discussing his plans for Bisonopolis, which is what he is supposedly going to make the capital of the entire world when he conquers it. He even has a gigantic model city on display. Maybe they have hourly tours for foreigners? And what does he worry about above all things, Zangief and Dee Jay? The size of the food court. Apparently, making sure that everyone can get an overpriced Quarter Pounder is high on his "To-Do Once I've Accomplished Genocide" list. Bison overhears a news broadcast reporting the death of Guile, and seems genuinely saddened by it — seeing as how he wanted to fight Guile man-to-man. He then goes into a hideously drawn-out monologue about how he cannot understand why everyone thinks he's a mad warlord. (Gee, I don't know either, M. Maybe it's the three-dozen people you took hostage... or the proliferation of weapons... or the genetic splicing experiments... or your gloriously deranged plan to be the ruler of Earth?) He then goes on to describe how he wants the entire world united under his loving fist of death, even summing it all up with a little Latin — the "Pax Bisonica". Zangief is legitimately moved by this State of the Autocracy speech: "That was beautiful."

I feel it's my duty to inform you, my loyal readers, that Zangief (the huge Russian brawler from the games) is the goofiest character in the entire movie; and that really says something given how Dee Jay plays the stereotypical Jamaican guy to the extreme. Every single time Zangief is shown on camera, he has an implausibly stupid look on his face, as if there was some horrible stench surrounding him at all times. And the best part is the dimwitted look differs every time. He's like a walking, meandering, Picasso inspiration without any of the artistic value.

Back at Campo de A.N., Chun-Li and the Super Happy Funtime News Crew trace the signal from their homing device to a market where warlords, thieves, murderers and other generally mean guys can buy guns, cruise missiles and all manner of other weaponry at dirt-cheap prices. Something interferes with their signal, however, and they trace that signal back to A.N. Headquarters. Gasp! Seems someone else had a tracer on that truck. Gee, I wonder who might have done that? Chun-Li puts on ninja garb and sneaks into the complex's mortuary where the signal's origin just so happens to be. (Yeah... that's perfectly logical.) Chun-Li discovers Guile's body on a table and is startled when — surprise, surprise — Guile wakes up. Seems Ken and Ryu were working for Guile all along and his death was a ruse. I know I'm shocked to learn this; how about you? Cammy and T. Hawk arrest Chun-Li, but she easily escapes and makes a rendezvous with the Super Happy Funtime New Crew at the marketplace. How these people got their hands on army helicopters is beyond me, but c'est la vie. Inside Bison's tent, various groups put on shows for Bison, Sagat and the rest of the cadre of calamity. Disguised as magicians, the Super Happy Funtime News Crew perform some stunts, which delight everyone (except Honda who has to hold a drum above his belly while Balrog slices it in two). The drum even has the word "Capcom" on it. Chun-Li notices Ken and Ryu among the assembly of evil half-asses and ends the performance. Afterwards, some harem women dance (if you can call it that) completely out of synch with one another. Sagat and Bison, meanwhile, get down to business — weapons! Bison is pleased and gives Sagat a chest of money as payment; except that it's a bunch of presently worthless currency with Bison's mug all over them. Sagat, as you probably guessed, isn't pleased and starts ranting at Bison, who explains that every Bison dollar will be worth five British pounds. Apparently he is going to kidnap their queen and demand that be the exchange rate the Bank of England sets for her safe return. Sagat calls Bison a raving lunatic and tosses several hundred dollars in Bison currency into a fire pit.

While this is going down, Chun-Li lures Ken into their tent and ties them up to explain how things are going to go down momentarily. Ryu comes looking for Ken, but he winds up bound. Chun-Li explains who they are and that she knows they're working for Guile; but they are all on the same side (even though she is holding a knife to their throats). Isn't this a heartwarming moment? Ryu recognizes Honda as a former sumo (from Hawaii, remember) who almost made the coveted rank of Yokozuna. Honda finally gives us an explanation of why he was included in this movie, explaining that the Shadaloo Tong destroyed his reputation. Balrog says the same thing happened to him and his boxing career. Honda, you get a pass here. Balrog, however? No. You got kicked off the boxing circuit because you nearly killed a bunch of boxers with illegal maneuvers. This movie fails. At everything. (It even fails at trying to get minor characters a purpose for being in the movie!) And what the hell does Bison have to do with a sumo wrestler and a boxer anyway? Doesn't he have more pressing matters to worry about... like that food court? Then Ken, trying his very best to be the persona non grata, looks at Chun-Li and sarcastically quips, "Let me guess... figure skating?" Chun-Li doesn't take too kindly to this and grabs Ken by the throat, telling both men that Bison and Sagat are about to be blown straight to hell by their own weapons, and they've got mere minutes to escape. Back in the tent of doom, Sagat's and Bison's men are about to destroy each other when Ken and Ryu interrupt. Being the true morons that this script turned them into, they each walk up to Sagat and Bison and try to calm them down. In order to save their necks (literally), they rat out the Super Happy Funtime News Crew, which is busy sending a truck full of weapons and armed dynamite towards their tent. The bad guys escape in the nick of time and the three are taken prisoner.

Back in the Fortress of Ineptitude, Bison, carrying that ever-present aura of panache that I've had to vehemently ignore for fear of an optic seizure, makes up with Sagat and Vega for reasons that are not explained. Seriously, he just lets them stay at his fortress as if none of the last scene's insult hurling ever happened. If Bison were written anything like he should have been, he would have eviscerated Sagat immediately after he called him a "raving lunatic." Anyway, Balrog and Honda are taken away to a torture room, while Chun-Li is taken to Bison's personal chambers. Ken and Ryu, however, are revered as heroes by Bison, so he instructs Zangief (complete with goofy facial expression #402) to get them clean clothing for warning them about Chun-Li's "treachery." (How can Chun-Li be treacherous towards someone she despises? How can you betray something you don't believe in? That would be like claiming Osama bin Laden is disloyal to the United States.) Guile, meanwhile, is giving orders to his troops in that stifled cotton-ball speech impediment that I've had to vehemently ignore for fear of an auditory seizure. He is going to distract Bison's radar defenses with the Invisible Boat while Captain Sawada (your run-of-the-mill stereotypical Japanese guy) commands the rest of the troops to a direct assault on the fortress. This boat has exactly one Gatling gun to defend itself and its pilot should its stealth tech ever be compromised. Way to be prepared, Colonel Mustard.

Back at Casa de Bison, a rather unpleasant and smelly fat guy whips Honda's back mercilessly with a bamboo cane. Honda no-sells the pain as the bamboo shoots break across his blubbery back. Balrog finds this amusing and the torturer punches him in the face. Amazingly enough... that hurts Balrog. So, Honda can get slashed repeatedly with bamboo sticks and not feel a thing, but Balrog — a boxer who's been hit in the face many times — starts coughing after being punched in the mush? After an exceptionally bad joke about a handjob, the two men rip Balrog's chain out of the wall, apparently freeing him. In the meantime, Ken and Ryu are given new clothing, and, sure enough, it's their red and white outfits from the games. Zangief then gives the two a horizontal "thumbs up", which I suppose is contradictory, but I lack the energy to care at this juncture of the movie. After finally ridding themselves of the sweaty Russian, they set off to free Balrog and Honda from their homoerotic love cell.

At the camp, Guile is given orders by (who I assume) is some higher-up in the A.N. to call off the military strike. Seems they are going to negotiate with Bison and pay the ransom. Guile is none too pleased about this, and when the twerp asks Guile if he's lost his mind, Guile responds, "No, you've lost your balls." Except that with that exquisite speech impediment, it sounds more like "You've lawst yohr bawz." Guile is officially relieved of his duties, but he fires up the troops anyway and takes off on his boat with his underlings. The mortified A.N. official and two cronies get drenched with water and they are all proven to be utterly ineffectual.

And now, what every horny 13-year-old has been waiting for — Chun-Li in a qipao! This scene is better known as Chun-Li and M. Bison in the Lounge of DOOM, Part One. This scene's entire set is like 1960's Batman — there are half a dozen Bison hats on a rack, Bison drink stirrers and even a cozy Bison fireplace below the Bison Bonaparte painting. Chun-Li saunters around Bison's rec room, taunting Bison for being a coward and further explaining how much she hates him for killing her father all those years ago. Bison claims he doesn't remember anything that happened, to which Chun-Li is taken aghast. In one of this movie's few decent lines, Bison explains, "For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me... it was Tuesday."

That right there is the true essence of M. Bison's attitude — a complete and outright dickhead who mocks anyone who would dare challenge him before he annihilates them. Unfortunately, this is one of the only moments where Raul Julia's Bison even remotely imitates the video game original. Back in the dungeon, Ken and Ryu jump the smelly guard and rescue Balrog and Honda, albeit with a lot of difficulty given the strangling they receive from their targets upon entering the cell.

Chun-Li and M. Bison in the Lounge of DOOM, Part Two begins as Chun-Li explains what she's been doing over the last two decades — using her journalist career as a mask for training in martial arts. Bison laughs at her and calls her "harmless," which elicits yet another random flying-through-the-air attack in the form of Chun-Li zooming across the room and kicking Bison in his face. A lengthy beating ensues, but unfortunately, the buddy comedy duo and the Super Happy Funtime News Crew run into the Lounge of DOOM, which distracts Chun-Li long enough for Bison to retreat. He traps them all in the room, which has begun to fill with a knockout gas. Honda, master of the obvious, lets us know that it is, indeed, gas: "Son of a bitch... it’s gas!"

I disagree. Clearly, those are Glade Plug-Ins and Bison is only trying to make the (now) buddy comedy quintet feel more at home in the Bison room.

A momentary scene on the stealth boat occurs wherein Guile plays a tape of Charlie and himself having lunch and joking around with two unnamed bimbos with some crappy pop music in the background. Yawn. I don't care... at all. No one who watched this movie gave a damn about Charlie. He is given no background in this film other than that he is Guile's friend; and personally, that makes me want to dislike him rather than just simply not care. To make matters worse, he doesn't have a single spoken line until after he becomes Blanka. Why should anyone care about him? But speaking of Charlanka, the next scene shows him being further developed into the big green ape, while Dhalsim desperately tries to covertly sabotage the forced cerebral programming by putting videos of children frolicking in a garden, dolphins and Martin Luther King, Jr. in place of the snuff film extravaganza. This educes a big goofy grin from Blanka that would make Zangief proud.

Upstairs, the good guys are led into the main atrium in handcuffs as Sagat, Vega and Bison watch with smug looks on their faces. Guile, meanwhile, is busy destroying Bison's river radar stations, which elicits Bison to activate the Capcom Minefield Arcade machine! Yep, Bison's river minefield is controlled by a Street Fighter II arcade controller and button set-up. During this charade of a scene, Zangief shows us more of those idiotic facial expressions at the most pointless times. Bison button-mashes the board and activates every mine in the river and blows the boat straight to hell: "Game…ovaaaaaaaaah!"

I hate this movie.

Back in the laboratory, one of the most convoluted scenes in the film occurs. The on-duty guard with a really bad Australian accent discovers Dhalsim's little scheme to normalize Blanka's mind (sort of) and starts to strangle him. During this struggle, some of the mutagens spill on Dhalsim, but nothing comes of it. Also, Blanka is accidentally released from the chamber and brutally kills the guard. For some reason, though, he doesn't attack Dhalsim. Damn it, Charlie. Your one chance to make amends for your overall worthlessness and you blew it! Outside the fortress, three of the hundreds of random red guys in camo stand around smoking cigarettes, when an elephant startles them, allowing Guile and his crew to beat the hell out of them. During this beating, Cammy actually yells, "Thrust kick! " I kid you not. The best part is that her lips aren't even moving when she screams it out. I likely would have died laughing if she had yelled, "Cannon drill," and started flying all over the place like a Dragonball Z character. T. Hawk even gives one of the hapless goons a Rock Bottom. They make their way up the hill towards the fortress taking out another random red guy in camo during the walk. Guile climbs into a sewer duct to go underneath the temple and gets a tarantula crawling across his chest for his troubles. Back in the command room, the big 72-hour clock expires and Bison sees that the A.N. has not deposited the money into his Swiss bank account. Guile makes his way into the now destroyed laboratory, and comes across his now very big and very green friend, Charlanka. Charlanka begins to strangle Guile, but somehow he knows that it is indeed Charlie, even though he is now a monstrous, orange-haired man-thing. Guile calms him down and points his gun to Blanka's head to end his pain, but Dhalsim stops him. Upstairs, Bison demeans the hostages and tells them that they will be killed by what the A.N. calls Bison — "a wild beast." He orders the big plastic chamber that was incubating Blanka to be raised to the command room level. Downstairs, the chamber lights up like a Christmas tree and begins to rise. Bison does a "Behold this! " moment as the chamber settles in the command room. The doors to the chamber open and all laws of physics are flushed down the toilet as Guile leaps out of the chamber and zooms upward through the air, kicking Bison in the chest. The entire time he screams, "Yaaaaaaahhhh!" Truly, it is every bit as hysterical as it sounds.

All hell breaks loose, and any shred of reason that was left dies a horrible, painful death right there and is never spoken of again. For some reason, the five captured heroes break the bar that they are all chained to and start beating up random red guys. Why didn't they do that ten minutes ago? Is one more guy flying around throwing kicks that big a difference against several dozen morons with machine guns? During the confusion, Honda busts through a wall and starts fighting (if that's what you can call it) Zangief in what becomes one of the worst fights in cinematic history. As the duo bear hugs on the ground, the floor "collapses" — allowing them to fall through. Note the use of quotation marks around collapses; with nothing more than the naked eye, one can tell that the piece of floor they fell through was nothing more than a bunch of rubbery strips. Le sigh. Guile sends Balrog, Chun-Li, Ken and Ryu on their merry ways in different directions, but with the same goal — getting the hostages "Aowt!" I'm convinced Van Damme cannot pronounce any English word correctly — even three-letter ones.

Elsewhere, Bison and Dee Jay are trying to figure out why Blanka is rampaging against Bison's troops in the laboratory, as more of the A.N. troops storm the fortress outside. Bison pulls up the cerebral programming on the computer and sees the shiny, happy videos, which elicits an enraged punch to the screen. As they view the giant television screen and see more and more A.N. soldiers pouring onto their territory, Bison goes into a semi-deranged mini-monologue about the "stoicism of the true warrior." Hmm, someone's been reading Marcus Aurelius. Dee Jay, one of the few characters in this movie who seems to have any common sense, sneaks away. Cammy then blows a hole into the outside of the fortress with a Panzerfaust, nearly disintegrating Ken and Ryu. Ken tries to run off, but Ryu, who seems to have grown a conscience in the last four minutes, stops him. Ryu was just begging Guile for a passport home, and now, all of the sudden, he has a set of ethics? Ken gets pissed off and tries to get Ryu to escape with him, but Ryu wants to help the people who are sacrificing their lives. Ken then loses all ability to enunciate and starts ranting at Ryu about getting the hell out of there while they still can. Ryu disagrees, and Ken walks off, still in a temper tantrum. Guile makes his way through the catwalks, until he comes across about a dozen red camo guys. Thankfully for him (but much to my dismay), about two dozen random blue camo guys from the A.N. show up and thwart his demise. Bison appears and slings bravado about "the purity of unarmed combat," to which Guile has a good chuckle. Guile spits, "Are you man enough to fight with me?" To which Bison replies, "Anyone who opposes me will be destroyed."

The random camo guys of all colors leave, and Bison and Guile start their duel. Guile gets the first hit — an uppercut that purposely shows off the American flag tattoo on his bicep. In one of the tunnels, Captain Sawada and his crew hack into Bison's security system and they see Honda and Zangief sumo wrestling all over the giant Bisonopolis model city, complete with Godzilla sound effects. They aren't even trying to be serious anymore. In the locker room, Chun-Li and Balrog lay the smackdown on some nameless red goons, and demand to know where the hostages are. Somehow, since the last time we saw these two, Balrog got some boxing gloves. How that is supposed to help, I'm not sure, but when he winds up for a punch, there are cartoon sound effects that accompany it. Guile does a lot of spin kicks and knocks Bison into some electrical equipment, frying him to death. Guile then contacts Cammy to get an update, but Bison's big red suit revives him, much to the horror of, well, everyone. Bison sticks out his fists and blasts Guile with two streams of electromagnetism. Somehow, the automatic CPR Bison received turned him into Magneto.

Downstairs, Dee Jay steals a case full of money from Bison's safe as Ken enters the room. We learn that Dee Jay worked for Microsoft at some point, but no one cares. Ken confiscates a gold statue as Dee Jay sneaks away, and he tries to find the front door on the computer screen. (What front door?) Instead, Ken finds Ryu on the computer security system walking into a trap set by Vega and Sagat. Ken hopelessly yells into an intercom trying to alert Ryu, who happens upon Vega's claw in the locker room. Guile stumbles to get to his feet after being fried by Bison's electro-powers. Bison explains what this power is and he activates his light-up hover boots that allow him to float around and punch Guile from midair instead of on the ground. The special effects here are as laughably bad as you would imagine from reading this. They don't even make a perceptible effort to hide the wires that suspend Bison in the air. Ryu is getting the crap kicked out of him by Sagat and Vega when Ken comes to the rescue. A bunch of back-and-forth scene shifts between their fight and Guile's beating at the flying hands of Bison happen. Ryu does what we are made to assume is a Hadoken, but comes off as exactly what it is — a cheap strobe light flash. Ken and Ryu eventually overcome Sagat and Vega, and leave them to die. Upstairs, Bison is still electrocuting Guile like a child who just stuck a fork in an electrical outlet. What happens next is really what pushed me to the brink of insanity when I watched this movie again. Bison says, "You still refuse to accept my godhood. Keep your own god! In fact... now might be a good time to pray to Him. For I beheld Satan as he fell from Heaven! Like Lightniiiiing!"

At the risk of making a very tasteless comment, maybe it was this script that killed Raul Julia and not the cancer. You have to see that to fully understand how bad it is. Bison then flies at full speed towards Guile again, but Guile does a spin kick (repeated three times for added effect) and Bison goes flying into the giant television. It explodes, Guile says another pitifully bad one-liner about Bison being "off the air," and the scene shifts to the other heroes freeing the hostages. Honda and Zangief are still hugging each other all over the halls, when Chun-Li runs by and tells him to get the hell out of there. Somehow from the time that he and Zangief fought over Bisonopolis to now, Honda painted his face red like the video game version of himself. Honda runs off, Zangief gets pissed and yells at him to come back. Upstairs, the computer informs everyone that the electromagnetic energy field that powers the fortress is unstable and will explode in minutes. Zangief sees Dee Jay trying to escape and yells at him for not playing the good little soldier boy. Dee Jay informs Zangief that Bison is the bad guy — not Guile, the other heroes or the A.N. soldiers. Zangief is heartbroken when he finds out that Dee Jay got paid for his part in this escapade.

Guile makes his way back to the destroyed laboratory to rescue Blanka as Ken and Ryu discover the exit outside. The door starts to close on the heroes and the hostages, but Zangief, in his red trunks for some reason, holds the giant metal door open for everyone to escape. Guile tries to convince Blanka to get out while there's still time, but Blanka refuses because he's too ugly. (Seriously.) Dhalsim, who by some means found the time to shave his head in the last half hour or so, assures Guile that Blanka will not die alone. (Awesome!) Dee Jay, with Sagat tagging along, escapes the fortress through a hidden door as the heroes escape through the Zangief door. Guile weaves his way through the ransacked lab as the final countdown occurs. Everyone else makes it out as the fortress explodes and topples over. Dee Jay and Sagat break open the chest of money only to realize that the money is all in Bison dollars and is utterly worthless. How they weren't discovered by any of the A.N. soldiers is beyond me, but once again, who cares?

The red camo guys give up their weapons and are led to the brigs in a style that would make Adolph Hitler proud. Zangief laments Guile's death with the heroes, which makes no sense at all seeing as how he never liked Guile up until now, nor did he ever meet him. Cammy tries to force herself and the others to believe they did the right thing leaving Guile behind, but Balrog delivers a feebly acted line about how "it feels pretty wrong to him." I guess now I understand why Grand L. Bush hasn't performed in anything since 2002. Guile then stumbles through the rock archway, alive and well, and meets up with the rest of the heroes, much to their delight (and, again, my disappointment). Guile straightens Zangief's sideways thumbs-up (good lord) and flirts with Chun-Li. The last remnants of the fortress topple over and explode; and, in a fitting end to this horrifically bad movie, the heroes all assume their victory stances from the video game. The scene freezes, the Street Fighter emblem appears on the screen, and the credits roll. After the credits, we find out that Bison survived somehow, but who would want to stay and watch more of this garbage?

Like I said way back at the beginning of this thing, nothing in this movie can legitimately be called (or justifiably associated with) Street Fighter. If you were ever a fan of the Street Fighter video games have seen this movie, then you know what true pain is. If you are a fan of the video games and haven't seen this movie, I envy you. If you are neither a fan of the games, nor have you seen this movie, then watch it and laugh at just how unfeasibly awful it is. Only people who don't play Street Fighter games could possibly be able to watch this movie without vomiting. Practically nothing made any sense at all. A Belgian guy who can't pronounce anything plays the all-American hero, and the rest of the cast of characters is butchered beyond belief — each in their own morbidly bad way. The special effects were only slightly better than the ones you would find in a high school performance of Grease. The script was about as bad as your prototypical 1950's horror movie, and just as annoying. Really, what more can I say?

Grade: 8 / 100 — The few points are mainly for Raul Julia, who tried his damnedest to turn in a solid performance with a script that was probably written by a lobotomized gorilla. R.I.P., Raul.